Embracing Neurodiversity in Everyday Life:

Embracing Strengths and Differences

Parenting a neurodivergent child means celebrating their unique way of being rather than viewing it as something to “fix.” A neurodiversity-affirming approach sees neurological differences (like autism) as a valid part of a child’s identity, and not a list of deficits. This means focusing on your child’s strengths, interests, and talents, and providing supports that help them thrive. For example, if your child has a passion for trains or animals, lean into those interests during play and learning time.

Research shows that children’s communication and learning blossom most when parents follow the child’s lead – talking about and playing with the topics, toys, and activities that the child chooses – without trying to redirect or change their natural play. In practice, this might mean joining your child in lining up toy cars or watching the same cartoon repeatedly if it brings them joy. By doing so, you’re showing you value who they are and how they experience the world.

A strengths-based perspective can be powerful for your child’s self-esteem and development. Presume competence in your child by trusting that they have thoughts, feelings, and the ability to learn new things. High expectations grounded in love can help your child reach their potential without pressuring them to be someone they’re not. In fact, believing in your child’s capabilities is often a self-fulfilling prophecy: as you support their interests and celebrate their small victories, they gain confidence. Remember that neurodivergent children develop on their own timelines and in their own styles. By appreciating their differences and avoiding comparisons to neurotypical kids, you create an affirming environment where your child feels safe and valued.

Sensory Differences and Support

Many neurodivergent kids have unique sensory needs and so they might be extra sensitive to sounds, lights, or textures, or they might crave sensory input like jumping and squeezing. Rather than seeing these differences as “problem behaviors,” meet your child’s sensory needs with understanding and creativity. Start by observing what situations tend to overwhelm them or light them up. Does your toddler cover their ears in crowded places? Do they seek out bear hugs or enjoy spinning in circles? Use these cues to create a sensory-friendly home environment built just for them.

For example, you might set up a “safe sensory space” where your child can retreat and feel calm. A child who is sensitive to noise and bright visuals might love a cozy corner or tent with soft cushions, dim lighting, and noise-cancelling headphones to escape the hustle and bustle. On the other hand, a sensory seeker might benefit from a small indoor swing, a trampoline or beanbag for jumping, or a bin of fidget toys and crunchy snacks to satisfy their sensory appetite (see our Sensory Shop for ideas!!). The key is co-creating this space with your child – include their favorite comforting items, and respect their cues about what feels good or not. By doing so, you send the message that it’s okay for them to take breaks or stim (self-stimulatory behaviors like rocking or hand-flapping) as a way to regulate. These sensory routines can be part of daily life rather than something to discourage.

Outside of the home, anticipate sensory challenges and plan supports. If you’re going to a loud location, bring headphones or allow brief breaks in a quiet area. If your child struggles with certain clothing textures, let them choose the clothes that feel comfortable (even if they want the same soft shirt every day). Such adaptations are not “spoiling” your child, they are reasonable accommodations that help your child engage with the world with less distress. By respecting your child’s sensory differences, you show them that their feelings are valid. Over time, they may also learn to communicate their sensory needs (“it’s too bright,” “I need a break”) because they trust that you’ll listen and support them.

Communication: Different, Not Less

Communication is far more than spoken words. Neurodivergent children, specifically autistic children ages 0–5, often communicate in atypical ways and that’s okay. Meet your child where they are in communication, and celebrate all forms of communication they use. They may echo phrases from shows, use gestures or pictures, make sounds, or communicate through behavior. Rather than pressuring them to “use your words” or make eye contact, tune into the methods they naturally use. Always assume your child is trying to communicate something, even if they’re not speaking. As one speech therapist put it, we never want to assume that because a child isn’t talking, they have nothing to say.

Get on their level and listen with your whole attention. If your toddler leads you by the hand to the kitchen, that is communication – they might be telling you they’re hungry or want a favorite snack. If they are not looking at you while you speak, don’t worry, many autistic people listen best without eye contact. You can say important things in a gentle voice while they play next to you or sit in your lap; they’re likely still hearing and listening to you. Use simple language and comment on what they’re focused on, rather than quizzing them or forcing a topic. For instance, if they’re stacking blocks, you might narrate: “Wow, you built a tall tower!” This kind of responsive talking, centered on what they find interesting, helps language develop more naturally. In fact, research on parent-child interaction finds that language grows strongest when parents talk about the child’s chosen focus and follow their lead in play, instead of trying to shift the play to something else.

If your child has very limited speech or is non-speaking, consider introducing alternative & augmentative communication (AAC) methods (see our AAC handouts for more info). Simple picture cards, baby sign language, or choice boards can empower them to express needs without frustration. Even before formal tools, recognize that behavior is communication too. A meltdown might communicate that a situation is too overwhelming; throwing a toy might mean they’re done playing or need help, or pinching others may mean they are seeking input. Instead of punishment, respond by interpreting and teaching: “I see you threw the toy. Are you all done? Let’s find a new activity,” or “It looks like that sound hurt your ears, let’s go somewhere quiet.” When your child does attempt a new word or gesture, acknowledge it enthusiastically (e.g. “Yes! ‘ba’, here is the ball!”). The goal is to show your child that all their voices (verbal or nonverbal) are heard and respected. Over time, as they feel safe communicating in their own way, you’ll likely see their skills bloom. And even if progress is slow, your patience and acceptance speak volumes: “I’m here, I’m listening, and I care what you have to say.”

Collaborative Routines and Predictability

All toddlers and preschoolers benefit from routine and consistency, but for neurodivergent children a predictable routine can be a true lifeline. Routines provide a comforting structure in a world that often feels chaotic. They help reduce anxiety by letting your child know what comes next in their day – this sense of predictability is a form of kindness and respect for their needs. Work with your child to create simple daily routines that they can participate in. Collaborative routines are everyday activities that you turn into a team effort, rather than a one-sided task. In practice, this could be as simple as letting your child be your “helper” during daily chores and self-care tasks. For example, you might create a morning routine where your child gets to stick the toothbrush under the water, apply the toothpaste with you, and then you each take turns brushing their teeth. Or during cleanup time, maybe you sing a special “clean-up song” together while putting toys in bins, giving your child a sense of role and accomplishment. These small moments of working with your child (instead of doing things to or for them) build cooperation and confidence. Family engagement in making routines is shown to empower children with a sense of ownership and control. When kids feel they have a role in their routines, they’re more likely to cooperate and even enjoy the process. Do remind yourself though that some days may be more difficult for our little ones, and we will have to make adjustments to meet them where they are at that day. This may look like only having them put one toy in the bin instead of all of them, and we can do the rest to help them while still modeling the correct actions.

Keep routines clear and consistent, but also flexible to your child’s needs. For a neurodivergent toddler, a visual schedule (simple pictures of the day’s sequence) can help them anticipate transitions like “First breakfast, then get dressed, then park.” Within that structure, allow reasonable choices that give your child agency: “Which shirt do you want to wear today – blue or green?” or “Do you want to hop to the car like a bunny or walk slowly like an elephant?” These playful choices turn routine moments into connection opportunities. They also help avoid power struggles by inviting your child into the process. It can be helpful to remember that cooperation comes from connection, not from enforcing compliance. If a particular routine is always a battle (say, bedtime), step back and reflect: Is the routine meeting your child where they are? Maybe you need an earlier wind-down time with dim lights and quiet play to accommodate their sensory needs at night, or a later dinner if hunger is making them upset. Structure should never feel like a rigid cage, but rather a familiar rhythm that your child can dance along with.

Also, prepare for changes together. Life can’t always follow the usual routine – maybe a therapist is visiting, or you’re traveling. For a neurodivergent child, these changes can be especially stressful if sprung on them. Whenever possible, preview new plans in advance using simple explanations or visual stories (“Tomorrow we will go to a new playground. We will drive in the car for a long time, then meet Grandma there.”). During the event, maintain comforting mini-rituals (bring their favorite snack or toy, stick to their usual nap time) to provide continuity. And if things don’t go perfectly, that’s okay, you can always return to your child’s comfort routine afterwards to help them recalibrate. Your steady guidance and ability to blend consistency with compassion teaches your child that the world is a safe and manageable place. In a consistent environment where expectations are clear and fair, children (and especially those who think differently) feel secure and respected.

Co-Regulation: Emotion Coaching with Connection

Young neurodivergent children often experience big emotions – from sensory meltdowns to anxiety to frustration with communication – and they need our help to navigate those storms. Co-regulation is the process of calming and guiding your child through their intense feelings together, rather than expecting them to “self-soothe” in isolation. In other words, you become their partner in finding calm. This starts with your own presence: strive to be a warm, steady anchor when your child is distressed. Research shows that all young children do not yet have the ability to self-regulate, but they gradually learn to regulate their emotions by watching and feeling how we regulate ours. At its core, co-regulation is about creating the optimal conditions for your child’s emotional regulation – maintaining a calm, reassuring demeanor and a desire for connection, not correction, when they are upset.

What might this look like in practice? Imagine your child is in the throes of a meltdown… they are crying, screaming, maybe hitting or flailing. Instead of scolding or walking away, stay with them (at a safe distance if they don’t want touch, or offering a hug if they do). Speak softly or simply sit quietly, showing through body language that you’re not a threat or angry figure, but a source of comfort. If you notice your own heart racing (totally normal during a child’s meltdown!), take a deep breath to center yourself, in fact modeling calm breathing can help slow theirs. You might say gently, “You’re having a really hard time. I’m here. You’re safe.” Your tone and body language carry more weight than any specific words. By remaining calm and supportive, you send an important message: big feelings are not dangerous, and you are not alone with them. Over time, these experiences teach your child that when they feel overwhelmed, they can rely on you to help them find equilibrium. They also internalize that feelings themselves aren’t bad which is a crucial lesson for emotional development.

It helps to ensure the environment is as safe and soothing as possible during these moments. If possible, move to a quieter, more familiar space (like that cozy sensory corner you set up) and reduce any extra stimuli (turn off loud TV, dim harsh lights). Some children respond well to visual supports or cues during co-regulation such as a simple feelings chart or a hand signal that reminds them to take deep breaths. Others might need you to model calming behavior: you could start taking exaggerated “smell the flower, blow out the candle” breaths, gentle counting of breaths “10-9-8…”, or begin a slow, rhythmic sway if you’re holding them. Match your strategies to what you know helps your child. The exact techniques are less important than your underlying attitude of compassion and patience. Remember, a dysregulated child is not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time. When you approach them with that understanding, you shift from being upset by their behavior to trying to comfort and teach.

As your child calms down (which at times might take a while), you can label the emotions and offer simple validation: “That was too loud for you, wasn’t it? The noise scared you. It’s okay, it’s over now, you’re safe.” This helps them gradually link words to their feelings. After the storm has passed, both of you can reflect (briefly, at an age-appropriate level) on what might help next time. For example, “If the music is too loud, you can cover your ears or tell me ‘stop.’ We can also bring your headphones when we go out.” But avoid too much talking or any lecturing immediately after a meltdown as your child (and you!) might still be recovering. A cuddle, a favorite book, or a calming activity together might be all that’s needed in that moment.

Co-regulation isn’t a one-time fix; it’s an ongoing practice of shared regulation. You essentially act as your child’s external nervous system until their own system develops more fully. Through countless episodes of you lending your calm, your child’s brain and body get better at calming down on their own. This is how they learn self-regulation — not from being left to “cry it out,” but from experiencing comfort. Every time you respond with warmth instead of anger, you reinforce the trust between you and your child. They learn that no matter how overwhelming their feelings, you will stay by their side. This sense of safety is the foundation not only for emotional regulation, but for your child’s confidence and resilience as they grow.

Affirming Identity and Autonomy

A neurodiversity-affirming mindset also means honoring your child’s identity in everyday life. Use the language and labels for your child that feel right for them and for your family. Many in the autistic community prefer identity-first language (“autistic child” rather than “child with autism”) because autism is an integral part of who they are. But be sure to listen to autistic adults and to your own child (as they get old enough to express a preference) about what terms they prefer. Speak about neurodiversity in positive or neutral tones, especially around your child. For instance, you might proudly say to others, “My child is autistic, and they experience the world differently. We love how curious and honest they are.” This signals to your child that you accept them fully, autism and all, and it teaches siblings and family members to do the same. It’s also helpful to expose your child to books and stories with neurodivergent characters, or involve them (when appropriate) in playgroups or community events with other neurodivergent kids, so they see themselves reflected and know they’re not alone.

As your child approaches school age, involve them in decisions about their supports and routines at a level they can handle. Even a four-year-old can have opinions about which coping tools work (e.g. sunglasses vs. a hoodie for bright lights, chewing gum vs. chewy jewelry for biting needs). This kind of collaboration shows respect for their autonomy and body. It teaches them self-advocacy in an age-appropriate way: “You can always tell me if something doesn’t feel good, and we’ll find a solution together.” In disciplining or guiding behavior, remain respectful and compassionate. Reject approaches that use shame or punishment to force “normal” behavior, as evidence shows those do more harm than good, often causing trauma or anxiety without truly teaching the child. Instead, use gentle explanations, natural consequences, and problem-solving. For example, instead of scolding an autistic child for not making eye contact, simply ensure they heard you by asking them to repeat what you said, or just be sure to repeat yourself a few times so they are given multiple opportunities to understand the message. Instead of punishing sensory-driven behaviors like jumping or chewing, provide safe outlets (a trampoline, chewable toys) and teach where and when those are okay.

Finally, surround yourself and your child with allies who affirm neurodiversity. Seek out pediatricians, speech therapists, or occupational therapists who use neurodiverse-affirming practices – those who respect sensory differences, presume competence, and focus on functional skills (like communication and daily living) rather than trying to erase autistic traits. If a therapy or program doesn’t feel right, for example it’s overly focused on compliance or making the child appear “indistinguishable” from peers, trust your instincts. You have the right to pursue supports that align with your family’s values of acceptance. Many evidence-based alternatives to traditional ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) exist, such as developmental and relationship-based therapies that work with your child rather than against their nature. These approaches prioritize meaningful outcomes like communication, emotional well-being, and social connection without trying to suppress the core behaviors that make your child unique. In a neurodiversity-affirming model, success isn’t measured by how “normal” your child can act, but by how empowered and supported they feel as themselves.

In summary, loving a neurodivergent child means being their advocate and their safe base. By focusing on strengths, accommodating sensory and communication needs, sticking to positive routines, co-regulating through the tough moments, and unapologetically embracing who they are, you help your child flourish. You are showing them, day by day, that they are deeply loved and perfectly acceptable as themselves – and that is perhaps the most important message any child can receive. Every child’s journey is unique, but with your understanding and affirmation, they will know they don’t have to walk it alone. Together, you can bloom in a world that is slowly but surely learning to celebrate all kinds of minds.

References:
hussmanautism.org
affectautism.com
reframingautism.org.au
pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
autismawarenesscentre.com